Love & Relationship Coaching for Couples Online

Intimacy

Behind the curtain of sexual dismay.

A common problem that people come across in the relationship is the loss or a decrease of intimacy. In many cases, people refer to a reduced frequency in physical contact and particularly sex. There is also an expectation of emotional fulfilment.

To understand the relation between them, let’s try to see what is intimacy and what are the contributing factors that need to be present for having intimacy in a relationship.
Intimacy is defined as close familiarity or friendship.
Sex is defined as sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse and is essentially a form of physical contact.
Emotional fulfilment can be seen as a positive feeling that is experienced when our needs met.

The lack of intimacy in a relationship can result from unfulfilled expectations.
You choose to be with a certain person because they are fulfilling a lot of the needs you have at that particular time, such as novelty, variety, understanding, adventure, companionship and many others. And this is great, apart from an innate expectation that this will be the case for years to come.

In reality, once these needs are satisfied, your partner’s presence in your life becomes redundant. Some needs have to be fulfilled on a daily basis, but once you develop a new need, which your partner is unable to satisfy, now there is a problem.

At this point, the only thing keeping you together is guilt, promises and commitment (more on these in other articles). The distance between you grows bigger, you start feeling ‘unappreciated’, ‘not loved’, alone and forgotten. Both of you take each other for ‘granted’ and you are now going through the motions of your relationships instead of embracing every moment with open arms.

You have an expectation that your partner will satisfy each one of your newly developing needs and when they are unable to do it, negative feelings develop and resentment is starting to chew its way through your relationship. Do you stop and have a discussion about it? No, you can’t, because the moment you notice that something is off, you are already overfilled with emotions and the whole judgement process is taking place where you start blaming your partner for your negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. At the same time, your partner has no idea about the reasons for your behaviour and starts acting defensively. The pressure builds up, more arguments ensue, the relationship goes down the drain and no one is the wiser.

When couples come to me for help, there is enough blame going around to waste many years to come. Both partners state that the other person is doing something that makes them feel angry, sad, detached, etc. And, I found that talking about who is right and who is wrong leads nowhere. Instead, we identify the objective behaviour of each person and understand what is driving that behaviour. Once we establish who needs what, we can then get creative and jot down several ways that each person can fulfil their needs. This, straight away relieves the pressure of expectation from the other as each individual is now in charge of getting their needs met.

Does it mean, that clarity and understanding can save a relationship? Not at all, but it does mean that the relationship has a chance. Even if the couple decides to separate, they are now able to do so with understanding and on good terms.

You must be thinking: ‘why would I want to make all this effort if it does not guarantee us being happy together and we might go our separate ways anyway?’
It is a valid question. And, the answer is quite simple. By working out the problems in your current relationship, first of all, you are learning what you want, how to get it and how to express your desires to your partner in the way you are heard the way you intend and not met with a defensive attitude that results in more arguments. Moreover, if you will decide to stay together, your relationship will be filled with more harmony and understanding than ever before and if you will choose to move on, you will be more equipped to create your next relationship the way you want with the person of your choice.

Practical takeaways:
1. Observe without judgement.
Identify what your partner does in objective and descriptive terms (e.g. ‘He came home at 6 am last Saturday. He said he was at work from 12 am to 6 am. To my knowledge, he has a day job that does not require night shifts.)
2. Recognise your feelings.
You will have a temptation to jump ahead with assumptions and then develop emotions based on these assumptions. STOP. Take a step back to the facts, outlined in point 1 and reflect on how that leaves you feeling (e.g. ‘ I feel curious, interested and concerned’)
3. Establish your needs.
Make sure you are talking about your needs and not what your partner needs to do (e.g. ‘ I need to know the facts, I need reassurance). Note, that if you will identify trust and honesty as the need, it is likely that you are coming from a place of assumptions.
4. Structure and express your sentiments in an organised, constructive way. Make sure to think it through and anticipate a defensive response (particularly if something fishy is in play).
For example, you may say something like: ‘Darling, I have conflicting information and would really like your help in identifying the facts. On one hand, to my knowledge, your job does not entail overnight shifts, while on the other you said you have been at work on Saturday 12am-6am. Can you please help me understand this discrepancy.’
Note, you are not implying any wrongdoing and all your assumptions are now on hold. As long as you keep your intentions open and clear, the less likely you will encounter a defensive attitude.

A common problem that people come across in the relationship is the loss or a decrease of intimacy. In many cases, people refer to a reduced frequency in physical contact and particularly sex. There is also an expectation of emotional fulfilment.

To understand the relation between them, let’s try to see what is intimacy and what are the contributing factors that need to be present for having intimacy in a relationship.
Intimacy is defined as close familiarity or friendship.
Sex is defined as sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse and is essentially a form of physical contact.
Emotional fulfilment can be seen as a positive feeling that is experienced when our needs met.

The lack of intimacy in a relationship can result from unfulfilled expectations.
You choose to be with a certain person because they are fulfilling a lot of the needs you have at that particular time, such as novelty, variety, understanding, adventure, companionship and many others. And this is great, apart from an innate expectation that this will be the case for years to come.

In reality, once these needs are satisfied, your partner’s presence in your life becomes redundant. Some needs have to be fulfilled on a daily basis, but once you develop a new need, which your partner is unable to satisfy, now there is a problem.

At this point, the only thing keeping you together is guilt, promises and commitment (more on these in other articles). The distance between you grows bigger, you start feeling ‘unappreciated’, ‘not loved’, alone and forgotten. Both of you take each other for ‘granted’ and you are now going through the motions of your relationships instead of embracing every moment with open arms.

You have an expectation that your partner will satisfy each one of your newly developing needs and when they are unable to do it, negative feelings develop and resentment is starting to chew its way through your relationship. Do you stop and have a discussion about it? No, you can’t, because the moment you notice that something is off, you are already overfilled with emotions and the whole judgement process is taking place where you start blaming your partner for your negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. At the same time, your partner has no idea about the reasons for your behaviour and starts acting defensively. The pressure builds up, more arguments ensue, the relationship goes down the drain and no one is the wiser.

So, you see how absurd it would be trying to spice up your sex life when the real problem may have nothing to do with physical attraction?

When couples come to me for help, there is enough blame going around to waste many years to come. Both partners state that the other person is doing something that makes them feel angry, sad, detached, etc. And, I found that talking about who is right and who is wrong leads nowhere. Instead, we identify the objective behaviour of each person and understand what is driving that behaviour. Once we establish who needs what, we can then get creative and jot down several ways that each person can fulfil their needs. This, straight away relieves the pressure of expectation from the other as each individual is now in charge of getting their needs met.

Does it mean, that clarity and understanding can save a relationship? Not at all, but it does mean that the relationship has a chance. Even if the couple decides to separate, they are now able to do so with understanding and on good terms.

You must be thinking: ‘why would I want to make all this effort if it does not guarantee us being happy together and we might go our separate ways anyway?’
It is a valid question. And, the answer is quite simple. By working out the problems in your current relationship, first of all, you are learning what you want, how to get it and how to express your desires to your partner in the way you are heard the way you intend and not met with a defensive attitude that results in more arguments. Moreover, if you will decide to stay together, your relationship will be filled with more harmony and understanding than ever before and if you will choose to move on, you will be more equipped to create your next relationship the way you want with the person of your choice.

Practical takeaways:
1. Observe without judgement.
Identify what your partner does in objective and descriptive terms (e.g. ‘He came home at 6 am last Saturday. He said he was at work from 12 am to 6 am. To my knowledge, he has a day job that does not require night shifts.)
2. Recognise your feelings.
You will have a temptation to jump ahead with assumptions and then develop emotions based on these assumptions. STOP. Take a step back to the facts, outlined in point 1 and reflect on how that leaves you feeling (e.g. ‘ I feel curious, interested and concerned’)
3. Establish your needs.
Make sure you are talking about your needs and not what your partner needs to do (e.g. ‘ I need to know the facts, I need reassurance). Note, that if you will identify trust and honesty as the need, it is likely that you are coming from a place of assumptions.
4. Structure and express your sentiments in an organised, constructive way. Make sure to think it through and anticipate a defensive response (particularly if something fishy is in play).
For example, you may say something like: ‘Darling, I have conflicting information and would really like your help in identifying the facts. On one hand, to my knowledge, your job does not entail overnight shifts, while on the other you said you have been at work on Saturday 12am-6am. Can you please help me understand this discrepancy.’
Note, you are not implying any wrongdoing and all your assumptions are now on hold. As long as you keep your intentions open and clear, the less likely you will encounter a defensive attitude.

If you are struggling to approach your partner in a constructive way, please feel free to drop me a line and I will be happy to help.

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