It can be hard to navigate your long-distance relationship. The love and attraction you feel for someone is mixed with annoyance that you can’t see them.
The build-up of sexual frustration in a long-distance relationship can be overwhelming. There comes a point where a picture on the screen and the voice on the phone just don’t cut it anymore. In a romantic relationship, you deserve physical closeness.
To have a healthy long-distance relationship, it’s important to separate the feelings you have for the person from the feelings caused by your situation.
I’ve put together a list of 10 questions that should help you disentangle these feelings. Questions 1- 5 focus on your long-distance relationship and where do you see your relationship in the future.
Questions 6-10 help you reflect on your personal goals, feelings, needs and expectations.
1. Why are you in a long-distance relationship?
There are 2 general situations why you might be in a long-distance relationship:
- You’ve met someone online, on holidays, in college or during a work trip. And you want to get to know them better.
- You are already in a relationship with someone, married or living together. And one of you has to go away for some time or you might be relocating.
Whatever your situation, the fact remains: for some time you are going to be away from each other.
If you are getting to know someone long-distance, then you are probably having a lot of fun. However, if you are separated after being together, it can be a more complicated experience.
How did you start your long-distance relationship? Leave a comment below…
2. How long have you been in this long-distance relationship?
Right, so you have a number. Now tell me, how do you feel about being in this relationship this long? Is it something you planned and prepared for or is it dragging longer then you would have liked?
The reason this question is important is that couples tend to lose track of time. It may be in a good way where you have conversations that last for hours. And you are waiting with excitement for the next call or text. But it can also be that your interactions have become boring. And you are in this relationship just because…
3. How long are you planning for your long-distance relationship to last?
If you answered the previous question, you are now aware of how long you’ve been in your long-distance relationship. You are also aware if it was too long, not long enough or just right and how you feel about it.
Depending on your answer, now you’d want to know how long it will last. If it’s an early stage, you are probably happy to see how it develops and how it integrates into your life.
If it’s just right, then you are going to be facing some decisions very soon. Things like are you going to meet, will you move in together or are you better off alone or with someone else.
If you are feeling it’s been too long, then you’ve probably missed the point where you needed to address your feelings and make some hard decisions. Now the decisions you are facing are even harder. You see, the more you sacrifice and compromise the harder it will be to find the balance.
4. What are your goals as a couple in a long-distance relationship?
Your long-distance relationship is an incomplete romantic relationship, because of the lack of physical intimacy. But as we’ve seen in question 1, it has a purpose. It serves for you to get to know each other or to maintain your established relationship.
Take a moment to reflect on the goals and expectations you and your partner have from this long-distance relationship. Talk about it, maybe even make some notes. Working with couples I recommend to have a session with each partner separately. Each partner makes notes and then we put them together. This way nobody is trying to please another and the answers are more honest.
5. When are you planning to close the distance and move in together?
Long-distance relationships are meant to be temporary. Stretch them out a bit longer and they result in a lot of suffering.
Once your long-distance relationship has served its purpose, it’s time to take the next step. If you started a new long-distance relationship online, it’s the moment you know enough about each other. I mean enough that you are ready to meet. There’s always more you can learn later on.
If you are a couple who is doing a long-distance relationship, the same applies. Every person has their alone time that they are ok with. Once that point is reached, and your need for physical closeness is unfulfilled, you will suffer. And as a result, your partner and your relationship as a whole will suffer as well.
So, don’t miss this moment between being happy and excited about your relationship and being bored and fed up with it.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our relationships, we forget our own life goals and objectives. The next questions are to help you bring the focus back to yourself. While answering the next 5 questions, imagine what your life’s like.
6. Is your long-distance relationship healthy?
If you’ve started a new long-distance relationship online you did it to enrich your life. To get to know someone, find understanding, connection, love.
If you are in a long-distance because of work commitment or relocation, then it must be daunting for you. It may feel like you had no say in it and now you have to put up with the way things are. But I’d like to tell you that you are in this situation because you made some choices. They may have not been easy, but they were yours. Even now, you still have a choice.
7. What do you want from this long-distance relationship?
What do you personally want for yourself from this long-distance relationship? Is it to have someone to talk to, to share with or to connect in a meaningful way? Maybe you are looking for a long-term partner with whom you can get married and have children.
Sometimes we don’t even realise why we are in a relationship. Remind yourself how and why you got into this relationship in the first place. Are you getting what you want or are you just plodding along hoping for things to change?
Things always change, but for them to change the way you want, you need to make that conscious change yourself.
8. What are your doubts about this long-distance relationship?
We have doubts about a lot of things all the time. It’s not healthy, but it’s normal. The first thing to do is to recognise these doubts. What are you unsure about? Some doubts are just lingering thoughts and all you may need is reassurance. Other doubts tell us that something isn’t quite tip-top.
To get a clear perspective on your long-distance relationship, recognise your doubts and concerns. Write them down, reflect on them by yourself. And then share them with your partner. But only share after they’ve written theirs.
9. What brings you joy in this long-distance relationship?
This is one of the most important questions. Does your long-distance relationship bring love, joy and excitement into your life? Or does it leave you feeling sad, frustrated and depressed?
Many couples simply overlook the importance of their own feelings. Just because it’s a long-distance relationship, they consider that patiently suffering is normal. But it can’t be further from the truth. No relationship should be a cause of your suffering.
Tip: If you aren’t happy with yourself – change yourself. If your relationship doesn’t bring you joy, you can choose to be with someone else.
In real life, it’s usually more complicated, but it still holds true.
10. What frustrates you the most in this long-distance relationship?
Write down a list of things that you are not happy with. Let yourself go. Come up with things that are even vaguely true.
This exercise will help you bring importance to how you feel and what you want. This list is for you, so don’t worry about what anyone will think or say about it. Be honest with yourself. Express everything you can find inside of you on a piece of paper. You’ll find once it’s out, it’ll be easier for you to deal with it.
You may even choose to share some of them with your partner. Before you do, check out this article on effective communication.
Is this long-distance relationship helping you to achieve your own goals and dreams?
As a person, as an individual, you must have ambitions. And if you don’t, take the time to explore them. Having a relationship means sharing your time and space with another person. Once you do that, it’s can be harder to prioritise your own goals and desires.
Now you need to make decisions as a couple. So you have to make sure that you are “in bed” with the right person. The right person will nourish your life and will help you with your goals. They will recognise what’s important for you and will support you along the way.
If you find yourself deviating from your life goals and compromising what’s important to you, reconsider. Sometimes it’s a matter of sitting down and just getting it out.
Tip: For your relationship to succeed, you have to succeed.
I hope these questions got you thinking in the right direction.
If you have any questions leave a comment below.
If you need any help, send me a message.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do long-distance relationships fail?
Long-distance relationships fail when a couple treat it as a complete romantic relationship. The romantic relationship includes physical affection, closeness, intimacy. Without it, it’s not a full relationship. While it’s ok for a short period, if it lasts longer, it can damage your relationship.
Is Sexting good for a long-distance relationship?
Sexting is great for any kind of romantic relationship. In a long-distance relationship, however, it tends to compensate for real sex or the lack of. But tell me, can sexting fulfil the same need as the real sex does? No. So if you want a bit of fun, sure go sext 🙂 But if you have a silent hope that it will replace physical intimacy, you’ll be disappointed.
Can a long-distance relationship last?
A long-distance relationship can last as long as you make it last. But you don’t want to make it last. Why? Because it’s not a complete relationship, it’s a phrase that can help you get to a relationship.
How can I make my BF miss me?
If your BF doesn’t miss you, you don’t want to make him miss you. First, you want to find out whether he misses you or not. Then, if he doesn’t you should find out why. Maybe he is busy or maybe he doesn’t want to be with you. Once you know how he feels, you can figure out what’s the best thing for you to do.