We all are products of our upbringing. Depending on our history we may be programmed to sabotage our relationships. The only way to create a healthy relationship is to get out of this invisible pattern.
Our parental and societal value were engraved in us before we developed a conscious self-awareness and judgement, so they all went straight in to form the core of our personalities and to determine our choices and behaviour.
With awareness, however, we can make our own decisions. Therefore we no longer have to be muppets of our upbringing and we can now develop the power to create our personality, our behaviour, our life the way WE choose to.
Mind you, some people don’t ask themselves these questions and so their awareness is limited and they continue to behave out of habits, ending up with the same outcome and being oh so surprised about it.
We decide to build a relationship with a person because we like them.
We like people who are like us. So we get together and progressing through the relationship, while at the back of our mind grows an expectation that they will be like us in all ways.
Before you know it, the time has passed, attachment has developed, promises have been made and in some cases, other little humans were born. An occasional disagreement has gone unnoticed and an argument was forgotten after a moment of intimacy and passion.
Before long (or sometimes after long) the intimacy subsides, the fire of romance dims and all you have left are two people who are now recognising more and more little differences that are popping up here and there. Little annoyances turn into grievances and with enough time even the resentment is not far behind.
Top it up with expectation from your partner to live up to the promises you both made to each other as well as a pressure of everyday chores and we can see how quickly now the overwhelming emotions are cursing erratically through the relationship sweeping all involved of their feet.
We have an inherent expectation that the person’s behaviour will remain the same forever.
Remember how much extra thought and effort we were putting for all the dates in our life, particularly that very first one? Well, this is how much plastering will be coming off as we will be slowly reverting back to our true selves.
In the industry, this period is called falling in love, floating in the clouds, the honeymoon phase etc.. and once we become ourselves again, suddenly our partner’s expectations are not met, an argument ensues – say hello to disappointment.
So, remaining yourself in any situation brings about people that like us for who we are and not for who we are trying to be – welcome the honesty. Plus, if we are making this extra effort it indicates that we are not happy with the way we are, we are not enough.
To mask this “deformity” we put on an act and then we are upset when the misunderstandings arise.
I mean, we deceived the other person, maybe unintentionally, but we did, so what do we expect? I tell you what we expect, love and harmony forever and ever.
Now you multiply this performance by two and it leaves very little room for surprise that the relationship is not going to be working out as we planned.
Here we can see how trust and honesty are being compromised before we even meet another person. In long term relationship, this manifests as jealousy, cheating and distrust.
So what are you to do?
- Get to know yourself better.
If you don’t know who you are, your needs and preferences, how can you properly introduce yourself to another? If you are not having fun with yourself, are you really expecting someone else to?
- Learn to enjoy your own company.
Spend some time alone and explore your goals and desires. We tend to wait for that someone special to bring the best in us and love us unconditionally, but all it really means is we can’t be bothered (or don’t know how) to iron out our own creases and want somebody else to do it for us.
- Be honest with yourself.
Build the trust with yourself, learn to express it and have a check-in place that you and your message are being received by another the way you intend.
With the above, you are opening a channel of communication to your inner-self and your date, your partner, your child and an occasional passer-by. In a more long term relationship when the disagreement does take place, this honesty and the ability to express yourself will allow you to quickly identify your view on the situation and understand that of your partner’s.
Welcome to the world of harmony 🙂
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the right way to start a relationship?
- Be yourself. If you start pretending, how long can you keep it up?
- Be open. We all have baggage and a tendency to put new experiences into old boxes.
- Stay true to yourself and welcome the other person’s uniqueness.
What are the 3 most important things in a relationship?
- Trust. Trust is uncertainty. To trust means to take a leap of faith and if you crush, pull yourself together and do it again like for the first time.
- Openness. Every person is unique and every relationship has the potential to be different.
- Communication. It’s not enough to communicate, you also need to know how to communicate effectively (article).
How do you know you’re in a healthy relationship?
You know your relationship is healthy when you are feeling joy and excitement sharing your space with your partner. But also when you remain connected to yourself and your personal goals, hobbies and interests. It’s important to have your alone time.
How soon is too soon to say LOVE YOU?
It’s time to say LOVE YOU when you are ready to show it. And you are ready to show it when you feel fulfilled to do something for your partner.
Getting Some Help
I hope that this article answered some of your questions. If you are struggling and could do with more help, send me a message so we can talk about your situation in more detail.